By Angie Willoughby
Motherhood is a beautiful thing, especially for those that want it. I was never one that wanted that experience. So as I lay in the operating room with a sheet covering my midsection feeling the pull of my impending delivery, the only emotion I could conjure was fear. Fear and overwhelming guilt, I cried. Tears flowed freely as new life was brought from my womb.
See the thing with shame is that it is a two-fold emotion; usually self imposed and can also be societally enforced. Webster’s Dictionary defines shame as ‘a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.’ Becoming pregnant AND also not knowing that I was pregnant, doubled down with the lack of maternal sensibilities and just the basic necessities to care for another human being was enough to make me feel like there was a giant stone on my chest.
At the time I was using cannabis for relief to get high and enjoyed it occasionally for the euphoric state to alleviate some of the pressure that I felt I was under. As I became more involved in cannabis I began to question how I could use my cannabis to get from under this boulder of shame. Then I found microdosing!
Leafly offers this about microdosing “In the midst of a potency-obsessed market where high THC marks mean everything, there is a growing community of cannabis advocates that are pushing for less consumption as opposed to more. This tactic is called “microdosing,” a growing trend as cannabis consumption becomes more mainstream. Practitioners of microdosing are taking small amounts of cannabis in order to reap the medical benefits of THC while avoiding its psychoactive effects that can interfere with the demands of daily life.”
Microdosing became my saving grace, and one of my tools in my toolkit. I was able to still be a mom while at the same time breaking down the walls and using therapy to confront my own feeling of shame, worthlessness and abandonment.
While microdosing is my personal choice and it is something that each person needs to find for themselves I found that it is comparable to motherhood. It might never look like what other people want or think you should be doing, but at the end of the day it has to be right for you. After years of therapy, my medicinal cannabis use, creating a tribe of other supportive mothers and listening more deeply to my own voice I can say that those feelings have subsided. My feelings of shame and guilt although not every woman’s experience, it is mine. I am so grateful to have had the use of cannabis to assist in being more present and appreciative of my son. No matter what happens I know that I will be the best mom for my son.
Angie Willoughby, The Green Baker, LLC, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit www.thegreenbkr.com.